The Night Before My 30th Birthday
It must have been one of the lowest moments of my life. Keep in mind, the list of lows up to this point is quite extensive so this is no small statement. I felt a sinking disappointment in myself, not in the least bit hopeful or positive as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, knowing that the next day my twenties would be over and I would have no idea what happened to them or what they amounted to.
There's something about having a "2" at the beginning of your age that gives you a license to make bad decisions, be selfish, act immature and get away without too much judgement. However, that wasn't the part I was upset about letting go of. It's understood that your twenties are also the years in which you develop your character and a general sense of who you are, explore what life has to offer, discover what you want from it and hopefully figure out where you're going next. Here I was, 29 years and 364 days in with no clue.
These past ten years, I had graduated from college, married the love of my life, travelled to some of the most beautiful places in the world and earned the freedom to work for myself. Still, I had no idea what the point of it all was and what it meant for me, as an individual. If you had asked me what made me happy, I would have replied dryly, "I'll let you know when I do", and then laugh it off as though I was joking. I wasn't.
The Last Stitch List
On 11 June 2018 as a last stitch effort to add some real meaning to my day to day existence, I made myself a list of "Things to do before I turn 30", with 233 days to go, the list had 9 items in column A and 9 possible ways to achieve them 'Steps to Success', in column B. Some I admit were quite a reach like "learn to play the keyboard", but I knew that even if I fell short of perfection, it was worth the try. I looked back at the list many times since that day and kept telling myself that I had time, I could still pull some of them off. I lost count of the times that I made excuses to myself about why it was OK if I didn't get around to all 9 items. I rearranged them in order of 'priority' and even removed one item that I thought might not be relevant anymore.
Great News
Fast forward to 30 January 2019. There I was 232 days later, looking at my list with a sense of hopelessness. I had only managed to accomplish a lonely, single item and that too, by no intentional effort of my own. I felt awful. Not because I had tried and failed but because I knew very well that I hadn't tried at all. By this time I had a job opportunity lined up in New Zealand, awaiting my Visa to be approved (more on this later). This was great news but I had to also accept that it would be a complete distraction from any of the things I identified as 'priorities' on my list. In any event, it was a great opportunity and made sense to pursue it. I agreed that I would travel solo on a 6-week business trip to meet the team, attend meetings and have a bit of a holiday while I waited for my visa. I just had time left to celebrate what might be one last birthday in South Africa before heading off.
That night, on the eve of the big "3 O", I cried myself to sleep like an irrational, spoiled child, feeling annoyed that I was crying over something seemingly stupid, guilty because I wasn't truly happy with the life many others would have loved to have, sad because I thought my husband didn't care that I was leaving for 6 weeks and exhausted because I had started working on a project and it was already 31 January, 8am in New Zealand.
To be continued...