I’ve been given a rare moment of solitude to reflect on a year gone by. As I sit here and gather my thoughts, pausing frequently to consider each one, my overwhelming feeling is anticipation. The past year, 2022, has been paradoxical for me because I have experienced the least amount of growth and forward motion in my own life but have also been very involved in one of the most accelerated growth periods for Avery. In front of my eyes, a human being has gone from babbling and stumbling around on uncertain feet to speaking in full sentences and running circles around her dad and I. All the while, I have been stagnant and in some ways, have regressed.
I was frustrated a lot this year. The lack of personal productivity and growth constantly made me feel guilty and lazy. When I had the time to pursue personal goals, I did not have the energy and when I had the energy, I chose not to spend it on myself. I reasoned that if I really wanted to do something for myself then I would make the time and find a way, that blaming motherhood, chores and family responsibilities was an excuse. I have been hard on myself and caused a lot of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy to fester needlessly. Every TV series I binged became an indictment on my priorities, every hour of scrolling on my phone became a breeding ground for self-judgement. Now as I take an honest look back, I wish I would have cut myself more slack. Perhaps it would have made the experience more enjoyable.
I ask myself, would I change how I spent the past year? Would I maybe go back to work or simply prioritize myself more? Would I spend more time on my physical health and my appearance? My answer is no. Not because I have no regrets, but because I consider the advantage to Avery of having my full focus and attention in her most vulnerable and developmental phase yet and it makes the sacrifice worth it. I have been able to bond with her in a way that will be very difficult to alter going forward. I have established my role in her life in a way that gives me much-needed confidence as a parent. I wish I had seen it this way throughout the year and not been so judgmental of myself. I sincerely applaud and admire all the new parents out there who have been able to do exactly the above and also remain totally themselves, but that just wasn’t my journey.
I say the year ahead is filled with anticipation because I have plans, goals, ideas and intentions and without realizing it, I have been doing some necessary resting. In 2022, I have experienced loss, illness, disappointment as well as so many joys, highlights and blessings, the biggest blessing being the first “I love you Mummy!”, which I now get several times a day, especially when she’s in trouble. Though on paper, my 2022 looks like a wasted year, I believe that I have patiently invested in a mindset and a perspective that will bring exponential growth in 2023 and beyond.
Avery, I have given you the best of me for the past two years and that won’t ever change but I am very ready to introduce you to a version of your mum that I hope you will be super proud of. I am locked and loaded and 2023 I am coming for you! Hahaha! How dramatic, but you get my gist.
Dear friends, Happy New Year! May 2023 bring a renewed zest and gratitude for this gift of life. May we give ourselves the grace to be present and experience the season we are in without judgement. May we make strides to resolve the issues that are holding us back from our best selves. May we find healing and the will to move forward in the face of loss, challenges and disappointments and may we leave room on our calendars to both receive and be a blessing.
Much love, Nivani.