And there it is again, that subtle, uncomfortable urgency to get out of everyone's space. After months of intentional introspection, I know what it is and where it comes from but I still haven't quite learned how to stop it from happening. The furthest I've come is learning to dismiss it or to catch myself succumbing to it and press reset in the moment.
I've lived the last 20 years of my life with a desperate fear of being an inconvenience to anyone. Always making sure I was just out of the way, never demanding, always settling, always compromising so that nobody would have to be worse off for my sake. Having grown up with a single mum, and losing my dad so unexpectedly, we often found ourselves relying on and even living with family and friends. I'll always be grateful to the incredibly kind-hearted family members who opened their homes to us and helped us out when we needed it most. Inevitably though the whispers and sometimes blatant harshness of some people had imprinted on the little girl that sometimes still drives this grown woman's thoughts and feelings. I have no judgement for them and I've learned that you can never truly know what compels people to act or react the way they do. It could be culture or even just ignorance that makes some elders oblivious to what children can really understand and interpret but those long-forgiven comments still come to mind now and then and still give me the same feeling they did 20 years ago.
"They're always here", "These kids are such a distraction", "Everyone needs their space", "How imposing and unfair!", "What more do you want?". I like to think that they probably didn't even think that I would overhear, that I would understand or leave alone that it would hurt me so deeply. But here I am today, sitting in a lovely cafe, having a delicious brunch on the other side of the world and as the place fills up and people start queueing at the door, I feel that familiar, annoying, sinking feeling. I feel like I should hurry up, finish my brunch and let someone else have my table. My presence here is an inconvenience to someone. There have been so many more obvious triggers for this feeling over the years, I've been in many more confrontational situations but this particular instance is hard to deal with because it's so obviously irrational. It makes me feel less grown up than I'd like to, it makes me feel weak.
Today I checked myself. "Slow down. Eat your meal. Nobody is expecting you to leave. You deserve to be here." I took control back from the 11 year old. There are things that I am learning at 30 that may come naturally to most people. I can imagine some people thinking, Seriously? that's so childish, grow up. Get over it!
Luckily, I've learned to stop judging myself for having these feelings and to stop ignoring or dismissing them. In doing so, I've been able to start rebuilding my self-esteem and confidence and become a stronger, freer version of myself. I am learning to feel significant and deserving, that I'm not an inconvenience until I actually am. I give myself the benefit of the doubt. I trust that I'm fair and that if anyone felt I wasn't and told me so, that I would consider it sincerely and if it was true I would make it right.
Learning this and being able to identify it has given me more confidence in so many situations. I wouldn't say I am anywhere near where I would like to be in this regard. I still struggle a lot with confrontation, especially in a situation where I already feel inferior or like I have to ask for something for myself or assert myself but I am learning to be uncomfortable and go through the motions anyway. I think this is something that can only be overcome by practice and even though these past few months have made me the most uncomfortable at times, I am grateful for the practice and I can see the results. Small victories everyday.