This is a lesson about how telling the truth is always worth the risk.
I invited Jesus into my life when I was 21 years old. I can't tell you for sure when or how this happened, except that I just became less and less resistant to the force that was drawing my interest in Him until one day I simply just knew, whole heartedly that He was God. Sorry if that doesn't sound very inspirational or supernatural but at that time, neither inspirational or supernatural events would have had much effect on me. In fact it was the supernatural that had me holding back, sceptically in the first place.
I became a follower of Christ but mostly on the surface. I attended church, joined the worship team and fell in love with the word of God through sermons and the Bible but I had yet to experience the surrender that is necessary to begin a real relationship with Jesus.
Two years into my journey, I had an unfortunate encounter with a so-called "prophet" who, to put it mildly, put the fear of hell in me to the point where I believed that I was being used by the devil to hurt the people who I loved so much. This resulted in me being compelled to confess shameful details of my past to my boyfriend, his close friends and his family who also happened to be my pastors! Don't ask me what I was thinking. I was young, vulnerable and scared to death that I was demonically possessed. This stranger had convinced me that I was bringing a curse upon everyone by hiding things about myself. I was naive enough to believe that this was entirely my burden and I decided to "come clean" on what turned out to be the most humiliating day of my life, even till today.
It was devastating and it never should have happened that way, but God was there. I decided to tell the truth, let them have their say and then drive myself off a bridge. Any life beyond that moment was too hard to imagine. I was in so much pain and so ashamed but somehow they all managed to show me a mercy that I am convinced was pure Christ in each of them. I obviously have no idea what conversations would have ensued once I left but at least in that moment I was safe.
In the weeks to come I struggled with feelings of regret and uncertainty and even though Ransley was overwhelmingly gracious to me. I still needed to wrestle with this new reality where I was no longer a picture of purity and excellence to everyone around me. I felt laid bare, exposed and judged. I was no longer able to control any outcome or opinion and I was forced to surrender to God's plan. I remember praying, "Lord, I just want them to know I'm sorry and I have changed" and then feeling the response in my spirit, "I know you are. I know you have."
It was through that experience that I was able to really feel the love of Jesus in my life. I started to understand that people may never trust my heart, they may judge me forever and they may never accept that I've changed, but that's their right and it has no bearing on how God feels about me. I kept listening to and reading His word and it wasn't the same quest for knowledge as before but it was now a source of food for my soul. I was coming into a relationship with the only one who truly knew my heart. The one who knew everything all along and drew me nearer every time my shame caused me to pull further away. It made me want to be better just knowing that He cared about my choices and what I did with my life. It was as though everything around me was crashing but I was being rebuilt, fortified from within. The waves of pain were met with greater waves of grace and forgiveness.
I don't believe by any means that stranger was the voice of God. He knowingly manipulated a young and naive, new believer just to demonstrate his "gift" or "power". It was unfair and irresponsible, but I know that God used his wrongdoing to lift an unbearable burden from me. Some people may think it was that prophecy that led me to Christ but I know in my heart that it was the Christlike forgiveness that Ransley showed towards me, that allowed the truth to set me free. Let's just say that I have experienced both the fear of the devil and the fear of God and the difference is literally life and death. If I had just listened to that man and not had God watching over me, the shame would have caused me to take my life. It was that intense.
You may feel this next statement is exaggerated, but since that event, 6 years ago, I have never lied about myself or tried to portray an image to impress or please people again. Not because I'm suddenly, particularly righteous but because I have experienced a freedom that I will never forsake for anyone's approval. The truth simply feels better than the lies ever did. Even though I know that some people will never look at me in the same way, at least I know that the people who know me and still choose to be in relationship with me are truly amazing, loving and accepting of who I am and they can appreciate the growth and transformation that has occurred in me since then.
I was blessed in having such a life changing experience at a young age. I realised that shame was making me overcompensate by trying to please everyone and be exactly who they wanted me to be all the time. This realisation enabled me to heal the scars of shame and live more openly and honestly throughout my twenties. It has also made me very forgiving and slow to judge anyone, especially young people for their mistakes. I truly believe that anyone can change and be better if given the chance. I was also able to see God move in my life and through the kindness of my now husband. It has always given me perspective in our relationship, knowing that he is fair and forgiving and that he sees me for who I am.
You might be wondering why I haven't mentioned what the shameful secret was, that was so bad. It's because that isn't the point. The value is in the lesson learned, not the mistake. Years later, it's like that was a different person, so sharing the details would only serve as gossip with no value to anyone. Maybe you're not dealing with such strong guilt over anything but still feel like you're holding back from letting your loved ones know the real you. I would advocate that risking telling the truth will not just free you of an immense burden but also give the important people in your life a chance to choose whether or not they want you in theirs. I can guarantee you that no matter what their choice is, you will be ok!
Stay posted for my next blog on tips for telling the truth.