Pregnant 1-2

18 Jan 2020
This morning around 9am-ish while Ransley was still asleep I emptied my full bladder onto the last Clearblue digital pregnancy test I had in my cupboard. I must have been through at least 7 "Not pregnant" results on these pricy pee sticks in the past year. I had recently switched to the cheaper Clicks brand with the simple single red line indicator which offered the same not pregnant result but in a less harsh fashion. Even though we were not officially "trying" yet, my 36 day cycle often found me on the loo at the end of a long month with severe PMS symptoms, thinking there was a chance we had a happy accident. I had an encounter with a single red line just a few days earlier when I started to feel the familiar tiredness, cramps and sore breasts again but today was a day before Ranz's birthday and I had one last hope of getting this gift to materialise. With little hope I watched as the little hourglass blinked on the digital screen. After 2 minutes I did a double take and almost fell off the toilet bowl. It said:

Pregnant
1-2

I knew what I was looking at but I couldn't believe it. I had pictured this moment so many times, but it felt unlike anything I could have expected. I was in shock. This was actually happening. The stick came through for me. I hid it back in the box at the back of the bathroom cabinet and went back to my bedroom. I stared at Ransley, fast asleep. He had no idea that in a few hours his life was about to change forever.

It took everything in me to keep it to myself all day. We went shopping for birthday clothes for him and visited both our parents. His mood was so heavy and he often seemed deep in thought. Everytime I asked what was up he just became really meta and philosophical, I thought the idea of turning 31 was weighing on him in a profound way but it also crossed my mind that he might have figured something was up with me. I bought another test that afternoon just to confirm and there it was again, Pregnant 1-2. I knew there was no chance I would be able to sleep that night and wait until morning so a few minutes after 11pm I gave him a little stick in a gift box. His reaction was everything I had dreamed. "The best gift ever", he whispered in shock. So our adventure begins with the "poppy seed" that changed everything. 

19 Jan 2020
It's Ransley's 31st birthday and according to my app we're 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant. It's so early that we have no idea what to do with this information but we both cannot contain our excitement. I am symptomatic and paranoid that it's all in my head. I could swear that my lower back is killing me and my mouth is ridiculously dry but I'm too afraid to mention it because it's obviously too early to have symptoms. Normally I wouldn't even know that I was pregnant yet if I weren't trying to plan an epic birthday gift.
This morning my gag reflex kicked in while brushing my teeth and I threw up a little, Ransley came in to check on me and we both looked at each other and started laughing. I know it's a coincidence, It's way too early for morning sickness.  By the afternoon we had been through most of the birthday festivities and came home to spend some time relaxing. I fell asleep on the couch in seconds. The tiredness is definitely real. I have meetings online from 10:30pm to midnight and I feel like, how can I possibly care about this meeting right now? I am so distracted, all I can think about is how quickly I am starting to feel different.

20 Jan 2020
Today my PMS symptoms are getting worse. I have cramps that I am convinced are period cramps which is making me very anxious and emotional. I could swear that I am going to get my period any minute. Ranz is leaving to Dubai in a few days and I'm being a bit irrational by insisting that we go to the doctor first thing tomorrow to confirm the pregnancy but I am so scared that if it was a false positive for some reason and I get my period while Ranz is away I will freak out. I'm Googling...bad idea I know. 

I've booked the only available appointment that my Dr. had for Tuesday morning at 8am. Ranz says it's way too early which is just making me more upset and irritable. I am well aware that I am over-reacting but I can't help it. I also don't want to talk about being irrational since it's too early to claim that I'm hormonal.
21 Jan 2020We're at the doctor first thing and Ransley still thinks we are doing this too early. I am drinking a glass of water and pacing around while we wait as instructed by the receptionist.

Ranz was right, this visit was a bad idea. Dr. couldn't see anything on the scan besides thickened uterine lining or something like that and he said there could be three reasons for this.
1. It's too early and my Hcg levels are too low to show the pregnancy sac on an ultrasound.
2. I'm not pregnant and am just experiencing late ovulation
3. It could be an ectopic pregnancy...I know WTF!

I have no idea why he would even say something like that when i told him I was only 4 weeks and 6 days. I'm so annoyed because now we're waiting anxiously for blood test results, trying to play cool like we're prepared for anything. Both of us are secretly Googling and the part I feel worst about is that I forced Ransley to do this and now I can sense he is also getting worried. The results are back and my Hcg level is 273. The ultrasound will only pick up levels from 1500+. The Dr's rooms called to say he wants me to come back on Tuesday. I asked if the test was positive, she said "Yes, but it's very low". WTF??
I can understand if you don't want to get my hopes up but how about not making me feel like something is terribly wrong. I've decided I'm not going back to the doctor on Tuesday. Ranz will be in Dubai and I am not up to hearing his sobering words of medical wisdom on my own.

I peed on another Clearblue stick and it now says
Pregnant 2-3

That means the Hcg level has increased and that's enough info for me right now. My lower back is killing me and the cramps are a constant nagging. The good thing that came from the doctor's visit is that he said the lower back pain and cramps are absolutely normal for the first few weeks since lots of blood is rushing down to that area. He says exercise can help to relieve this. I am just going to wait till I get to NZ before I go to the doctor again. A normal person would have only found out in another 2 weeks anyway.

25 Jan 2020
The last few days have been low energy and crampy as hell. I fall asleep anywhere, which Ranz finds absolutely amusing. I've also started eating weirdly. When a hunger pang hits, I simply must eat immediately! Ranz is getting more excited everyday as I get more concerned about what I should be doing to grow a baby genius. No amount of podcasts will suffice at this stage.

Today Ranz leaves for Dubai and he's sad. We went for a massage in the morning and neither of us could relax. It was also way too cold in the spa room so we both agreed it was a bit of a waste of time. He rushed around with last minute packing and then we had a nap. Totally uncharacteristic of any normal flight day for us but as he says, "we're pregnant". I've come to accept that my symptoms are real after reading a few more articles and blogs. It may be early but I am definitely not entirely myself physically. I was a bit emotional at the airport. We've spent months away from each other in the last year but this time is quite different. I can see he is anxious about leaving me alone so I'm putting on a brave face. Inside I'm actually super sad and emo.

Ranz is mid-air as I type this. I was so tired earlier and thought I would fall off to sleep immediately but I decided to start putting this journal together instead. I hope I can keep it up to date. I really want to remember everything about this experience since I am most likely going to go through much of it with just Ranz and I alone in NZ. Little poppy seed, it's so early but I am getting ready for you to change my life forever.