I really can't fathom what I've done to earn the privilege of being your mum. To be entrusted by God to see you through this gift of a journey as a girl child in such a pertinent and intimate role. I have prepared your room, packed your hospital bag and laundered your little baby clothes but I don't know if I can ever truly say that I have prepared myself for the mammoth responsibility of raising you that lies ahead. Your dad and I have discussed at length, our hopes, dreams and plans for you as well as our concerns but in these last days, I question if I will be able to do all the things and have all the impact on you that I desperately want to.
I am up at 4:30am with days left till your arrival. Not because I'm anxious but because this phase of pregnancy is gruelling on my body. My feet are so swollen, I have hip pain, leg pain and lower back pain that incapacitates me. I limp to the loo to relieve my bladder that never seems to empty, I brace myself for at least a minute each time I need to get back into bed. First my fists press into the mattress and I painfully pull my legs up one by one, then on all fours I position myself to face the pillow and slowly drop into a sleeping position on my side, muffling my moans so I don't wake your dad. Forget about pulling the covers over, it's too much work. I have gained close to 20kgs throughout this pregnancy. I feel so heavy, not just from the weight of my tummy but every part of my body is swollen and heavier than I am used to. I am carrying so much more weight than I am used to and it's getting me down both physically and mentally. Your health is my priority but I also worry about not being able to get back to myself after you are safely delivered.
The doctor tells us that you haven't grown as expected over the last few weeks and he would prefer if you were out in the world already. I am conflicted as to whether he knows best or if God has His own plan for you in this instance. What if you need more time? You did so well throughout these 9 months. You were always on the small side but you hit every milestone that was predicted, from your movements to your positioning. I'm smiling because as I'm typing this you are stretching your little limbs in my tummy. What are you trying to tell me little one? Do you want to meet us sooner than expected or are you still happy in your cocoon?
This has got to be one of the most difficult decisions of my life. We have compromised and decided to give you one more weekend to grow. We will check on Monday morning first thing and if it seems like you're struggling, out you will come! You are due in 10 days anyway so I need to get ready for the most important job I've had so far and that is birthing you into your new life. Your dad is more excited than he has ever been. He is also more nervous than he admits. I know this because his OCD has intensified beyond reasonable levels and he is driving me crazy. Your grandparents, all 3, are also excited. I can tell that they are unsure how to spend their time in these last few days as they wait around but also want to be involved, cooking us food, dropping in for visits, buying you things and endlessly offering their help. I am trying to allow them to be as involved as possible but I mostly just want to lie in bed with my feet up or go to cafes and eat cake. I'm just remaining in my bubble of solace, trying to keep positive and composed.
Your Uncle Marcell and Aunty Keris are also trying to be around and available more, with little Izzy in tow. I can tell that they are nervous about my decision to have you at home but they are trying their best to let me own my experience. I know I've put everyone on edge by insisting on having things a certain way, but I promise, my focus has always been on what is the best possible outcome for you. I picture you sound asleep floating in my womb and I can't bring myself to yank you out without warning, especially if it also means I won't be able to take you in my arms immediately and give you that first hour of comfort and assurance that you were meant to have. I have done so much research and had so many internal conversations, asking myself is this me being stubborn? Am I imposing my preferences and creating undue risk? A cesarean will be my last resort. I am also reluctant to agree to forcing you out with drugs but I am more willing to consider some form of that option if it means you get to come out and thrive better than you are able to inside my tummy. Amidst all these options I have tried to make myself ready for the pain of labour that many people have tried to describe to me but failed to fully illuminate.
So after 9 months of a challenging but wonderful experience, we've come down to a bit of a tense period but I am not letting that colour this whole journey. I am determined to still put all the excitement and positivity at the forefront and you will be born in love, joy and peace! Once you are here, I will probably be so nervous for the first few days but after we get a routine going I really feel like I will find my stride as your mother. This is the most important job of my life so far. I will give it my all. I may get tired, I may get frustrated, I will definitely make mistakes but I will always get back up and give it my best because unlike any other responsibility I've had, the outcome here is not about me. I promise you that for as long as I am here, I will use every lesson that I have learned in 31 years about sacrifice, empowerment, fairness, compassion and all the other characteristics that I've strived to build, to benefit you and bless you whether it seems that way or not.
I have so much more to say to you and I plan on doing so throughout your precious life. You will always be the one who made me a mum and that is a special relationship that will never be taken for granted. As of today, you have done nothing, achieved nothing and produced nothing but I am already so proud of you. I understand profoundly how God looked at Jesus before He performed a single act of ministry or miracle and said "This is my Son in whom I am well pleased." That is exactly my sentiment towards you before even having met you. You are MY daughter in whom I am immensely well pleased!
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