On 1 July 2021, my last living grandparent passed away. She would have turned 90 on 14 July. Ayah was a huge part of my life and it was a great honour to be asked to speak at her funeral on behalf of our family. Here is the transcript of my tribute:
Good day dear family and friends, I would normally have been hesitant to speak on such an emotional day but as difficult as it may be, it is equally my honor to share a tribute on behalf of the Sothinathan family.
Today we thank you for joining us in bidding farewell to a beloved soul who many would recognise as an accomplished scholar, a respected community leader, a cultural stalwart, a renowned activist amongst many other titles. However, the title I would like to draw importance to today is Ayah.
Ayah was the proud grandmother of 11 and great grandmother of 13 who all have unique and individual relationships and memories with her. I think the one common characteristic all of us were most aware of, was her commitment to the religious and cultural values that she stood for. While she could confidently teach the principles of righteous living and the ethics of the Thirukkural in public forums, to her family she demonstrated these teachings through her life rather than preaching or lecturing to us.
We were able to see generosity, service to others, humility and selflessness in the way she interacted with friends, neighbors and strangers. She would recite Aathichudi to us as little kids and explain the meaning in English. “Aram seiyya virumbu; Have the desire to do charity”. Today that little poem still has so much meaning to me. As a child she was the one who first made me aware of the idea of God and spirituality. Her faith was of utmost importance to her and she had the ability to find sacred space and pray daily. She had the ability to center herself and make a divine connection almost instantly, she could pray earnest prayers over people on a personal level and seamlessly take a stage on any platform and pray powerfully and purposefully over crowds. There was never a disconnect in what she displayed publicly and at home. It was the same Ayah all day, everyday.
Ayah was worlds ahead of her time. She was forward thinking and had the ability to speak reason and stand up for her own beliefs without making you feel judged or small. She would encourage us to find meaning in things rather than simply follow blindly. She practiced yoga and I will never forget waking up one morning to find my 60+ year old granny doing a headstand against the bedroom wall. Her humility was astounding, she did not hold herself in any high regard that caused her to take offense or hold grudges. No matter what differences she had from someone, she would be able to find common ground and extend love and compassion.
What she lacked in formal education, she more than made up for in God-given wisdom which she shared with each of us through many ups and downs in our own lives. She was not one to lecture you but she would have simple advice that was always grounding. We watched her walk her five children through triumphs and tragedies and remain the constant and the safe place to land. For Mummy, Su and myself especially, in the midst of our greatest loss and what could have been a turning point for the worse in our lives, she extended herself and became our home. Ayah was always at the ready with a home remedy and sage advice as well as a Thirukkural verse for any situation.
Ayah’s house became a base for our entire family, wherever life and our individual journeys took us, at December you could always look forward to meeting everyone at Ayah’s house. Today it is not uncommon for women to be empowered and influential in their homes but for someone of Ayah’s age and humble background to have established such a strong foundation for her family is noteworthy.
Having the opportunity to live with Ayah for more than 10 years, I admit that I took the most advantage of her loving nature and also took a few more liberties than the others in testing her composure. I can confidently say that no matter how bratty of a teenager I was or how many times I would become snappy at her over little differences that were normal for our huge generation gap, she not once lost her temper at me. I also was fortunate to enjoy the best of her casual and more relaxed side. She didn’t often laugh out loud but everyone close to her will remember her witty sense of humor and childlike giggle. Ayah encouraged me to write the Tamil exam in my Matric year and she coached and tested me throughout it enabling me to score an A. She was always supportive of education and inspired us all to persevere.
Ayah’s nature and character will long live on in all of us. Anyone who knows Sothie Amma’s children will attest to their humble, hardworking and generous personalities. She is reflected in Pardini’s strength, Kovan’s servant-heart, Thenral’s generosity, Thilagam’s perseverance and Thangam’s loyalty. Ayah was big on family unity and that is demonstrated by the closeness that we all enjoy as a family. Following Ayah’s example we are always there for each other.
If there is one thing I can highlight to all Ayah’s grandchildren, great grandchildren and people of the next generation who she was always passionate about, it would be to live a life of purpose. There is no question as to what Ayah’s purpose was and she lived it out fervently and with urgency until the very end. Legacy was absolutely important to her and in her last official project for culture, the publishing of the revised version of her book, A Guide Book for the Speaker, and recording of her CD, her passion and determination stood out to me. I spent 2 days with her recording this and being more than 80 years old, she often was out of breath but she would just have a sip of water an insist we keep going, often asking for retakes to make sure her pronunciation was perfect. When it came to her Tamil she was a purist which only made it more special that she was happy to be called Ayah instead of Paati. The sentiment was more important to her and she often said, even if you speak broken Tamil as long as you try.
In conclusion I wish to thank my aunts, uncles and mum for the outstanding care they took of Ayah as well as the friends and extended family who showed Ayah love and care over the years. Especially to Thangam, Thiru Anna and Mummy, the daily care you gave Ayah was nothing short of selfless.
To all her children, your efforts to go beyond the call of duty is a testament to the values of service and humility that Ayah instilled. You can all rest assured that you have done the absolute best for Ayah that any parent could hope for. Thank you to everyone for your support during this sombre time for us.
Lastly, Ayah, we thank you, and love you, you have accomplished every goal and more and now you can finally do what you refused to do no matter how much we pleaded with you, Rest.