This post was written over the course of December 2020. At this time we had yet to approach the devastating second wave of infection in SA and our knowledge of the way the virus operated was still sketchy and based on constantly evolving information from our own news sources as well as international accounts.
I've barely slept in the last 24 hours. Not because of the Covid symptoms but because my mind won't settle. I went to bed at midnight and woke an hour later from a disturbing nightmare. I usually get nightmares when I take medication which is why I avoid it as much as possible. Through this experience I only took two Panado's to ease the intense headaches. Maybe the nightmares were due to the Panado but I got out of bed anyway and started to pray, old school style. I rebuked the devil and ordered his presence to "flee from our home and our lives in Jesus' name!" I put on my mask and prayed all around Avery's nursery as she slept, I went to the lounge and prayed over Ranz from a distance as he slept on the couch and then I came back to my room, got face down on the floor and asked God to speak to me, for the comfort of His presence.
I don't want to be dramatic and I know that I will probably recover quite soon but this has been an emotional time and I don't want to forget what my first thoughts were when I found out that I had this virus. Lord please protect my child and please spare me so I can be there for her. I would do anything to prevent any lasting effects of this from impacting her even if it was simply my capacity to care for her being diminished.
I got back into bed and watched her on the baby monitor for the next hour. She woke up for a feed at 3am and I gave her to Ranz to put back to sleep. When she was down he pulled up a chair in the passage outside my room door so we could talk. He is so scared for us. He keeps asking me if baby looks normal, if her breathing is normal and it's making me feel awful to see him like this. I finally convinced him to get some sleep at 5am and I pulled out my laptop to write this down so I that when it's over I won't forget the clarity that I have over life's true value right now. I know that many have lost their health, lives and loved ones from this disease and I don't want to minimize that experience by being dramatic since I don't feel like I will die. I just feel like I have a bad bout of the flu and some awful headaches. I am just praying constantly that I won't take a turn for the worse as has been described by some of the articles I've been foolishly reading from Google's recommended search options. I've studied every article on Google's page 1 search results for "how to know if my infant has Covid".
On what I estimate to be day 7 of the virus, I am feeling markedly better. I still have a bit of chest heaviness but it seems to clear when I inhale steam. So far this started with a nasty cough followed by crazy headaches, some body pain, fatigue and the feeling of burning up with fever, followed by chills. Now all those symptoms have passed and I just have a slight tightness in my chest when I take a deep breath. I've been limiting my contact with baby but decided to continue breastfeeding since everything I've read online suggests that stopping the breast milk would be more disadvantageous to her than contracting the virus which apparently hasn't shown to be as detrimental to infants. She seems fine but everytime she has a little sneeze or cough I get paranoid. It doesn't help that we've been having some of the hottest days of the year and can't manage without the aircon on which is probably the cause of her sneezing and coughing. Ransley has been sleeping on the couch and I have isolated my movemements to our bedroom and ensuite, only coming out to feed Avery and pick up my Uber Eats order from the kitchen. Needless to say, we weren't too bothered about cooking. I wash myself with antibacterial soap and change my clothes before every feeding, sanitising my hands obsessively, but admittedly, I am not certain to what extent my efforts are enough to protect the both of them.
Even though this has been one of the most emotionally difficult periods of my life, not knowing how bad this will get and whether we would all make it through in one piece, I am grateful that it seems as though the only lasting damage will be the cracked and peeling skin on my palms from the excessive sanitising.
It's day 11 by my estimate and I can't seem to shake this cough and the itchiness in my chest. I haven't been to a doctor so I am worried about respiratory infection but it seems like bronchitis so I am just self-medicating for now. Hospitals are full and I don't feel like I should brave the outdoors at this stage. Avery spiked a temperature today for about an hour and I started to lose my mind. I prayed relentlessly for her to be well. I really don't care about anything else at this point. We gave her some Panado syrup for babies and the temperature went down after a while but I have no idea what this all means. We will just have to monitor her closely. She went for a scheduled immunisation shot a few days ago which is most likely the cause, but that's the worst thing about Coronavirus, you really have no idea how it will present in different people. We are satisfied that I am probably not contagious anymore but I'm still taking precautions. Thankfully, it appears that Ransley also managed to avoid infection. Even though our contact was limited, at some point we became exhausted of wiping down door knobs and surfaces and just maintained as much distance as possible.
This disease is traumatic. I am not one to get bogged down by sickness but the mental strain is unlike anything I've experienced. Just the uncertainty and unpredictability of it will send you into a spiral of nerves. I've spent nights awake just afraid that at any time I could start having difficulty breathing, wondering what that would feel like and how I should deal with it. I've been isolated from family and friends and don't have anyone to talk through these feelings with, not to mention that talking aggravates the cough. I've told my mum and her sisters that I have the virus but I've downplayed the severity because I don't want them to worry and think the worst especially with the baby here. There's no point in alarming people when they can't do anything to help.
It's been three weeks since I contracted the virus and I have managed to put the worst of it behind me. Needless to say, the timing was awful and Avery's first Christmas was nothing like I had hoped. I was too ill to even put up the tree, leave alone bake pretty sugar cookies with her name on them like I planned. The most I managed to do was dress her up for a few "first Christmas" photos and that was it. Now New Year's Eve has crept up on me and i'm trying to do a bit of reflecting. I'll leave that for a seperate post though. I'll just end this one by summarizing the Covid experience.
The worst part was not being able to talk to or play with Avery. I always had my mask on around her and I could tell she was confused. I just wanted nothing more than to kiss and snuggle her and comfort her when she was fussy. She's at that age where she's started interacting with us, smiling when we talk to her. Now seeing her just stare at me blankly is breaking my heart. When my cough started to get really bad at night I had to move her into her nursery so that the germs didn't get anywhere near her. I wasn't planning on letting her sleep in another room until she was at least 6 months old but it was too risky. Her blocked nose eventually cleared up and she didn't get any other symptoms so I assume it wasn't Covid, just a reaction to the aircon.
Now it's summer and there are beautiful sunny days which we can't really enjoy much because of the lockdown that has been reinstated. Beaches, parks and most public outdoor spaces have been declared off limits. This is in response to the dramatic second wave that hit South Africa over the holiday period. We hit the 1 million mark for infected persons and so many people of all ages have lost their lives to this virus. We now know multiple people who have had it, some have been hospitalised and it's become quite sad and dark in these days. I can't help but be all the more grateful that we weathered this experience with no long term damage. All that remains is a bit of body pain and tiredness and my cough acts up when I talk too much but that should be over soon.
I've tried to think of a few lessons that I could draw from this experience and beside the obvious ones like being grateful for health and remembering to snuggle my little girl at every opportunity which I now do to the point of ridiculousness, I've learnt that:
- God never has and never will leave my side.
- I have the strength to get through just about anything, even if it feels like I can't go on.
- As much as I would love to count on people, I can only truly rely on myself without a doubt
- There is no guarantee that I will have as much time as I need to accomplish and complete what I would like to.
- It is more important now to plan and prepare for Avery's future than for my own.
NB: Since I wrote this and have now recovered completely, my family has experienced some devastating losses due to covid. Even though I am ever so grateful to have overcome this disease, I am reluctant to celebrate and am heavy-hearted for those who are still grieving their loved ones. The reality is that even when the lockdown has ended, when the vaccine has been successfully rolled out and when Covid becomes a tale we relate to our kids years down the line, the impact on many lives will have a permanence that we must be sensitive towards. I will continue to pray for divine peace for all those who have been affected either by infection or by loss.